Like most well-heeled yuppie couples, ToyBoy and I have the requisite pets to ensure that no shelf of valuables in our entire apartment is safe. They are like training wheels for human children, as I very frequently find myself rushing into rooms yelling “Leave that alone!” or “Don’t eat that!”…perhaps more than I anticipated I would, prior to quadriped companionship. Whether it’s chasing the rabbit out of her baffling obsession with the cat’s litter box, or chasing the cats away from their baffling obsession with walking across my keyboard (doubly so if I’m healing an instance in WoW, triply so if they’ve just used aforementioned litterbox), they keep us on our toes.
My question is this – what do you other pet owners out there do about sex? I mean, the rabbit is indifferent to everything except a banana existing anywhere in the house (she would kill a grown man for one) but the cats…oh, the cats. They raise up a caterwauling, matrix-jump off our door, or scratch incessantly at the doorknob while I’m doing god-knows-what in there to ToyBoy, and it’s a real pain having to stash not only the clown suit, but ALSO mop up the extra maple syrup just to open the door to shoo them off.
Do you bribe yours? Mine will sometimes begrudgingly accept an offer of gushy food, but more often than not they are far more interested in ensuring mommy never gets laid in peace. Any tips or tricks are most welcome, please leave a comment below!
My question is this – what do you other pet owners out there do about sex?
I’ve written California Exotics at every contact point I have for them in an attempt to get to the bottom of what “Japanese Medical Grade Silicone” is, as compared to “regular” medical grade silicone here in the US. I’ll keep you posted on what response they give me.
Sadly, it appears Jollies Pleasure Toys is folding, according to a facebook message from the founder. Their lovely toys and designs (not the least of which is the innovative Mr. Man Dildo so loved by many) will be sorely missed in an industry that thrives on talent.
Whipspider Rubberworks was murmuring about new things to come at the R.I. Fetish Flea, and they may or may not involve more tentacles. We anxiously await!
I love light up toys. Call me a child of the ’80s, but I had a PJ Sparkles doll that I still think is the best toy ever. If it glows in the dark, flashes, strobes, or lights up, chances are I’m just as crazy about it now as I was in my youth. Sure, the…er…shape and intention of the toys have changed somewhat, but it doesn’t mean they’re any less awesome.
1.) The Ophoria Glo Dildo – this Japanese Medical Grade silicone dildo previously made an appearance on my Weird Sex Toys Of The Week series. The inside is hollow, and plugged with a cap, the idea being that a skinny glowstick (think the kinds they make bracelets out of at birthday parties) is inserted into the inner chamber to “glow” through the opaque material. Guess this is an ideal choice for the modern Glomosexual…unfortunately, it appears to have been discontinued from Ophoria , as it is no longer on their website.
2.) The Big O Glow – anyone who knows me knows I’m a rabid fan of the original Big O – a vibrating cock ring that works amazingly well. So, now…there’s a light in it. So, if the couple is doing it missionary, I sort of wonder if it looks like a blinking car alarm light from the woman’s (or receiver, in general) perspective. $17.95, here.
3.) The Fleshlight Vibro Glow – This is kinda neat, and the reason I thought of putting up this mini showcase. They announced this on twitter today, with only 1,000 available ($94.95). If you miss out, you can also just pair an ice fleshlight of your choice up ($69.95) with a Screaming O Glow bullet ($12.95) – it looks to be the same thing, although I don’t think STU texture is typically available in ice and it is cheaper as a bundle because it comes with three bullets.
For those not in the know, Etsy.com is pretty much the eBay of handmade stuff. All sorts of interesting things are listed there, the weirdest of which are cataloged and mocked diligently by sites like Regretsy. While browsing one day, I came across a “mature” listing, and it suddenly dawned on me – maybe Etsy had SMUT! And oh, readers, it did not dissapoint. Along with the pleasant discovery of Whipspider Rubberworks on there, I found a whole host of decidedly pervy crafters hawking their wares.
And so, I present:
1.) The “Cock Glock” – a WAP sculpture that’s alternatively titled “I’m the NRA”. The Cock Glock is a centaurian combo of a raging hard on and a gun. This ebony wood carving that can be dubiously yours for the mere price of $600 – it doesn’t look like this is usable, but hey – free shipping!
2.) Handjob Penis Pincushion – Arguably my favorite entry this week, this $22 beauty looks like the missing link between Sesame Street and slash fiction and I LOVE IT. I mean, look at it! It’s adorable! She even makes one that’s filled with catnip, and another that can be embroidered with an Ex’s name (or a current, if you’re into needleplay and CBT!)
3.) Roast Beef Soap Dildo – The name pretty much says it all. $8.69. I really want to know where the hell he gets roast beef scented oil. Or maybe I don’t.
4.) Silk Sanitary Towel – I have NO idea. Honestly. It’s a one-time-use silk $39 maxipad that’s either filled with fake fur (?) or real fur (…), and comes with not only an assurance that it will “absorb four hours of HEAVY bleeding”, but also a helpful suggestion that you enclose it in some sort of glass cube afterwards as an art installation. My casual interest in visiting Amsterdam has diminished entirely.
Today, I spent most of the day on my mother’s bedroom floor, surrounding ourselves with the jewelery accumulated over years and generations, ostensibly to sort it. In actuality, it was a way to wander down a glittering I-can’t-believe-I-ever-wore-that memory lane strewn with lariats, clip on earrings, and other assorted oddities long out of date. The kitsch from my estranged grandmother, saints upon saints upon Jesuses (jesux?) that grimaced in crucifixion upon gaudy Italian gold filigrees. As I recoiled reflexively from a previously-unremembered small jewelery box that contained my baby teeth (my mother’s a dental assistant with a weird idea of nostalgia, not a serial killer. I think.) I saw a tiny wooden face peeking out from under it.
I pulled out the little quarter-sized face and held it aloft from a dainty chain. I thought it might be from my parents’ semi-native Hawaii, as it looked to be made from Koa wood, I asked my mom. It was my Grandmother’s, she said, turning to sort some earrings. My grandmother, the straight-laced super-paranoid roman catholic, owning this smiling geisha that dangled in my fingers? All of her jewelery I’d ever known previously had all been of suffering saints, or appropriately hideous 60s and 70s costume jewelery that was almost painful to look at for long periods of time. What the hell, then, was this doing in here?
I turned it over in my hand, where an unknown kanji character was delicately carved in red. I puzzled over how fat the piece was, given the relatively shallow carving. It also felt deceptively light for being so large, and so I squinted at it, examining. The chain looped through the back in an odd way, and two long lines scored the back. Suddenly breathlessly excited, all of my geeky pre-teen years of cramming Nancy Drew novels suddenly came into play in one macguyver-like moment. A little tap confirmed the piece, which had traveled through my prudish church-loving maternal family for decades upon decades, was hollow. My mom, re-affirming her black sheep status from said family, immediately leaned closer and said her money was on a tiny stash of black tar heroin.
A few jiggles, feeding the chain through the top, gentle pressure and the end of a paperclip eventually prised open the back of the pendant, which slid open to reveal an inner cavity. I puzzled a moment over the miniature carving in the heart of it, wondering what on earth I was looking at. I saw waves and a strange geometric shape pop into their TRUE form in record time, thanks to a mind that stays in the gutter for a living. I started laughing so hard my eyes teared up and I fell sideways onto the floor, nearly speechless with laughter.
Inside this face, this secret-harboring woman that lurked in grandma’s jewelery box undiscovered for upwards of thirty years, was something truly amazing. In the heart of the head of the geisha, there was a tiny, perfect, carved woman bending over, her bright pink vagina proudly on display.
When Valentine’s Day rolls around, partnered or no, many a young man or woman’s fancy lightly turns to…chocolate. It’s everywhere, and the only thing more pervasive than the gigantic red and pink lacy hearts everywhere are the chocolates in every shape and size littering the shelves of stores. While some have thoughtfully provided a map to navigate past the cavity-locating traps that are affectionately referred to as “maple sugar”, others leave you in the lurch with nothing but a poking finger to destroy the bottoms and an archaic code you found on the interwebz.
Personally, I prefer my chocolate to come in viking hat form, jauntily perched on my partner’s wang. I think, given a chance, you would too.
The awesome folks at www.ChocolatePartyHats.com , whose wares I have previously (and happily!) reviewed here, have offered up a virtual choco-penis-chapeau smorgasbord to my terribly lucky readers. Made of decadent callebaut chocolate, a dark imported Belgian variety, these are not melted and molded hershey confections – these are more like truffle oil, or fine champagne when placed beside those valentines candies. You will not be sorry, cause god knows I was not. This is the best chocolate I’ve ever had in my life, in a life that has contained substantial amounts of said chocolate.
I have three viking hat styles and two cowboy hat styles generously offered to my readers for their gourmet gropes and nibbling pleasures, I’m happy to say. The only caveat is that the winner must be in the US – I apologize to my delightful Canadian readers, but the cost of shipping to ya’ll is higher than the cost of the product, sadly.
If you’d like to enter, please leave a comment below with the style you’re interested in. Five winners will be randomly drawn on TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 9th.
And the winners, chosen via random.org, are 6,4,11,1, and 5– Congrats to Lilly, Mia, Chuck, Kaijah and Angel! Please email your mailing information along with your style choice (in case I forget!) to me at[email protected]so I can get your chocolate nomminess on the way to you. Everyone else, thank you for playing -If you’d like a chocolate party hat now, they’ve set up a coupon code for 25% off for you guys! Just enter “ThatToyChick” at checkout to receive your discount.
If there’s anything that has been repeated, over and over, by just about every person of consequence I’ve chatted with since I became a Toychick, it’s this: Lube is good, healthy, and compatible with all types of sex play.
Speaking as a gal that, by weight, has more lubricants than sex toys in her personal collection (note: I’m not counting my office/desk, because I think I have to measure THAT in tons) I can safely say I agree. Lubricant makes toys more enjoyable, mitigates discomfort that might pop up because of dryness or friction, and damn if it’s not just a whole bunch of fun to boot. I use it alone, with my partner, for handjobs, regular sex, anal sex, and I’ve even been known, in a pinch, to extol the virtues of silicone lube for squeaky door hinges or bad hair days.
Of the brands out there, among the most well known to the general population is WET brand lubes. The ubiquitous purple splash logo has meandered into the stock of almost every sex store, and even to “vanilla” venues like CVS drugstores and Walmart stores nationwide. I was thrilled the first time I witnessed this expansion – it meant that a whole new generation would get a little support in thinking of sex as something fun, healthy, and *gasp* normal!
No longer are the only lube choices relegated to medicinally-white tubes faithfully stocked beside products like suppositories. Consumers today are greeted with a colorful row of WET products, ranging from flavored to tingling to silicone, thoughtfully offered right beside the condoms for safe and enjoyable sex. I’m very happy about it, because they seem to have opened the market up for other ’sexual’ items in these same stores, from overt finger vibrators to the sly movement of certain “massagers” into the family planning aisle.
As a company, all the dealings I’ve had with them have been wonderful – they have a great group of employees that are very knowledgeable about their products, my questions were always answered truthfully and honestly, and they are supportive of bloggers. They make “safe sex” kits, complete with lube, condoms and an STD fact sheet, that are given away freely at events and stores. They are responsible for one my fave pieces of AVN swag – a “trade show survival kit” with asprin, bandaids, a safety pin, and a whole bunch of other stuff that seriously saved the day throughout my insane weekends in Vegas with Vera from FYN. And, certainly not least of all, they are kind enough to let me try out their stuff!
Expanding on that same notion of sexy, slippery satisfaction for all, WET has also been rolling out nifty dual sets of lubes* for their 20th anniversary. The two sets feature enhancer gels and compatible co-lubricants, intended to be enjoyed by both partners at once, in addition to their familiar favorites. Their lubes, including the new dual sets, are always latex-friendly, with the exception of their single WET oil-based lube.
The Wet Together Lubricant pack has two 2 oz bottles of lube – a warming water-based one and a cooling silicone-based one; they meant to be applied to one another and…um..combined. I’ll let you imagine how!
The Wet Together Pleasure Enhancing Gels are two .50 oz tubes of concentrated arousal gels – one is intended to increase sensations in the penis, the other is intended to increase sensations in the clitoris.
Wet Flavored Gel is a water-based thicker-consistency lube that can be used for any sex play, as it is sugar-free.
Wet Platinum is a silicone-based thin-consistency lube that can be used for almost anything, but shouldn’t be used with silicone toys.
Do these sound good? Awesome, cause I have some sample packs to give away! (I specifically asked for sample packs to give away to my readers so I could let as many people as possible try these awesome products instead of just one person getting a bunch of bottles. ) You guys are the reason I write, and if I can help you have better sex by proxy, you’re damn sure gonna have it!
(Don’t want to wait for the winners to be picked? Snag yourself a $1 coupon here and go grab your fave in your local store!)
Leave a comment to enter, I’ll be picking TEN winners in a few days. Winners will receive these sample packs:
*While I can understand the “his and her” thing may be trying to my GLBT readers, I can assure that WET has never seemed anything less than supportive of the community through my talks and dealings with them. Unfortunately, when you are catering to a larger nationwide store chain, they are already reluctant to carry sex products, and pushing that heteronormative line from the get-go will often take you clear out of the running. I can’t speak for WET, but I imagine that was likely one of the reasons for the naming of these products as they are.
Edit, 2/3/09 – The kind folks at Trigg Labs/WET sent along an email to let me know they are very much behind the GLBT community! On top of donating safe sex kits to AIDS prevention/awareness groups every month and sponsoring events like the Winter Party, Gay Days Orlando, and the White party,they also support these events and groups:
It was about two or three years ago that I noticed soy wax massage candles starting to migrate from “hippychick” earthy brands into the higher end luxury sections of the adult market. The vast majority, up until that point, had been offered in round tins with stick-on labels; while they did the trick, they didn’t exactly scream romantic or sensual. And so it was with eyebrow-raised interest that I watched Jimmyjane drop their offering into the tin-suited mass, where it landed with a decidedly impressive effect.
Let it be noted for the record I have a terrible marketing crush on jimmyjane -- one need only glance at their site and their offerings a moment to understand why. Beautiful pictures, copy you can pluck and savor like little literary bon bons -- these people have their proverbial shit together and I admire that. I was, however, probably the only person on earth that didn’t “get” the little chroma and had no real desire for it when it debuted and people were in an Eleven-like craze over it, which is why I gravitated towards their later-emerging outre -- candles and massage.
When I jotted off a note to Jimmyjane asking if they offered products to review, I was surprised and delighted to receive an email back -- yes, they did -- and they wanted me to field test the dynamic duo of an Afterglow candle and the Contour Q massage stones. I count myself doubly lucky here, because the Milk Chocolate was their newest scent and allowed me to experiment with a fragrance I hadn’t before, and there are -- as I found out -- TWO little stones in the Contour Q set…and isn’t that just grand?
On eagerly opening the Afterglow box (narrowly restraining myself from ripping it open, for purposes of filming later) I peeled back the lid and sniffed tenatively. Now, all the chocolate products I’d experienced prior smelled like stuffing a particularly chemical-laden spoonful of hershey’s syrup up a nostril, with a not-so-subtle after effect of something decidedly unchocolate, almost acidic. Not so with this one -- Jimmyjane’s Milk Chocolate immediately brought to mind the tin of Ghiardelli “Drinking Cocoa” I keep stashed in the back of the cupboard for a couple of perilous days every month. It’s the smell of a deep, rich bittersweet cocoa that is more at home in tea salons than coffeehouses. The ingredients also featured a few different incarnations of vanilla extract that I’m familiar with, so that may have had a hand in the complexity. It is not, as is important with every scented product that I permanently add to the collection, cloying, syrupy, or “fake” -- I used this with my notoriously scent-averse partner for an hour with not a hint of a sniffle.
We lighted the candle with the enclosed box of matches and waited for about fifteen minutes, tugging off our shirts and snuggling into bed. When a little bit of a pool had formed (I should mention here that Jimmyjane says to wait a half hour, but I’m an impatient wretch) I took up the cute little body brush and gingerly dipped it in the edge of the pool -- managing to set a strand sizzling before I belatedly realized the instructions said to blow out the candle first. (So, if you get one, listen to the book…apparently it knows what it’s talking about.) As I painted it on my partner, he relaxed and agreed it was rather awesome. A little goes a very long way…I only dipped the very, very edge of the brush in and it was enough for his entire back.
The massage “oil” of the melted soy wax stayed liquid on his skin, acting just like massage oil out of a bottle. I was able to glide it around over a large area and my hands didn’t “skip” or stop sliding because the soy oil dried up -- in fact, it stayed slick the entire massage of 20+ minutes. It smelled exactly like it had as a solid candle, and was the perfect level of “presence” on our skin, giving the whole room a very light scent of chocolate that lulled me to sleep an hour or so later. On the receiving end, the brush felt like fingertips -- so much so that I asked him to use the brush and turned around to find out that he already was! One caveat -- the brush is hard to clean…the book says to use shampoo (which I did) but it was still stiff and chocolatey scented when I came back for it later.
I had the forethought to start up my Keurig before getting down to business, drawing off a teacup worth of very hot water to mix with room temperature water I had in a bowl. I wrapped the contour Q stones in a washcloth and gradually submerged them, giving them a little buffer between their surface and the semi-hot water. (Like glass, porcelain/ceramic toys shouldn’t be exposed to rapid temperature changes for safety reasons) After I had “basted” my guy with the chocolatey goodness of Afterglow wax, I unfolded the washcloth and plucked out the ribbed massage stone, cupping it in the hollow of my hand. When I first attempted to use it, I tried to put pressure on the stone and roll it, like a ball of clay being rolled into a snake. When oil is present though, it seems like the surface of the skin is a little too slippery to use this technique, at least in my experience. However, cupping the hand above either stone and moving the whole hand seems to work wonders. This provides a “hollow” that guides the stone right where you want it to go, and allows it to roll in the direction you’re pushing. You don’t need to push down very hard with these, as the texture seems to do most of the work for you -- it let me give my partner a deeper massage without feeling worn out.
When I sat cross-legged along his side (he was on his stomach), I rolled one stone in each hand from side to side on his back. Eventually, I figured out if I pushed out farther than the width of his back and let the stones roll back under my palms, I could actually massage my “computer wrists” and his back at the same time! Needless to say, this scored pretty high in my book for awesome. The rounded nubs on either side were great for getting out the kinks in his shoulders, as the round mid-body was comfy to grip to do so. The stones hold heat very well, and the heat combined with the textures added a whole new dimension to something we do very frequently. I know they might not look very substantial, but I promise you’ll be surprised. They can also be combined with other massage stones in Jimmyjane’s line (like so -- pictured inside a Contour M massage stone) for extra fun.
It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these, but there are a few WTF-worthy inventions that alert readers have pointed me to. Apparently, there is a market for festooning one’s favorite (or personal) wang with all manner of attachments that either ensure the testicles don’t get dribbled on (the horror) or, much like truck nuts, announce one’s dubious taste in self-expression in a…unique…fashion. Need a scented cock-mounted napkin that “masks body odor” after or during oral sex? We’ve got that covered too. Are your labia faded from years of wear? No worries – we’ll get that georgia o’ keefe back to a matte finish caribbean salmon in no time, courtesy of an unidentified powder that has been on TV and a website told me is totally safe! (Update 1/21/10 – the very brave gal behind iasshole.com actually tried the labia dye, with dubious “results” )
