Today, I spent most of the day on my mother’s bedroom floor, surrounding ourselves with the jewelery accumulated over years and generations, ostensibly to sort it. In actuality, it was a way to wander down a glittering I-can’t-believe-I-ever-wore-that memory lane strewn with lariats, clip on earrings, and other assorted oddities long out of date. The kitsch from my estranged grandmother, saints upon saints upon Jesuses (jesux?) that grimaced in crucifixion upon gaudy Italian gold filigrees. As I recoiled reflexively from a previously-unremembered small jewelery box that contained my baby teeth (my mother’s a dental assistant with a weird idea of nostalgia, not a serial killer. I think.) I saw a tiny wooden face peeking out from under it.
I pulled out the little quarter-sized face and held it aloft from a dainty chain. I thought it might be from my parents’ semi-native Hawaii, as it looked to be made from Koa wood, I asked my mom. It was my Grandmother’s, she said, turning to sort some earrings. My grandmother, the straight-laced super-paranoid roman catholic, owning this smiling geisha that dangled in my fingers? All of her jewelery I’d ever known previously had all been of suffering saints, or appropriately hideous 60s and 70s costume jewelery that was almost painful to look at for long periods of time. What the hell, then, was this doing in here?
I turned it over in my hand, where an unknown kanji character was delicately carved in red. I puzzled over how fat the piece was, given the relatively shallow carving. It also felt deceptively light for being so large, and so I squinted at it, examining. The chain looped through the back in an odd way, and two long lines scored the back. Suddenly breathlessly excited, all of my geeky pre-teen years of cramming Nancy Drew novels suddenly came into play in one macguyver-like moment. A little tap confirmed the piece, which had traveled through my prudish church-loving maternal family for decades upon decades, was hollow. My mom, re-affirming her black sheep status from said family, immediately leaned closer and said her money was on a tiny stash of black tar heroin.
A few jiggles, feeding the chain through the top, gentle pressure and the end of a paperclip eventually prised open the back of the pendant, which slid open to reveal an inner cavity. I puzzled a moment over the miniature carving in the heart of it, wondering what on earth I was looking at. I saw waves and a strange geometric shape pop into their TRUE form in record time, thanks to a mind that stays in the gutter for a living. I started laughing so hard my eyes teared up and I fell sideways onto the floor, nearly speechless with laughter.
Inside this face, this secret-harboring woman that lurked in grandma’s jewelery box undiscovered for upwards of thirty years, was something truly amazing. In the heart of the head of the geisha, there was a tiny, perfect, carved woman bending over, her bright pink vagina proudly on display.
When Valentine’s Day rolls around, partnered or no, many a young man or woman’s fancy lightly turns to…chocolate. It’s everywhere, and the only thing more pervasive than the gigantic red and pink lacy hearts everywhere are the chocolates in every shape and size littering the shelves of stores. While some have thoughtfully provided a map to navigate past the cavity-locating traps that are affectionately referred to as “maple sugar”, others leave you in the lurch with nothing but a poking finger to destroy the bottoms and an archaic code you found on the interwebz.
Personally, I prefer my chocolate to come in viking hat form, jauntily perched on my partner’s wang. I think, given a chance, you would too.
The awesome folks at www.ChocolatePartyHats.com , whose wares I have previously (and happily!) reviewed here, have offered up a virtual choco-penis-chapeau smorgasbord to my terribly lucky readers. Made of decadent callebaut chocolate, a dark imported Belgian variety, these are not melted and molded hershey confections – these are more like truffle oil, or fine champagne when placed beside those valentines candies. You will not be sorry, cause god knows I was not. This is the best chocolate I’ve ever had in my life, in a life that has contained substantial amounts of said chocolate.
I have three viking hat styles and two cowboy hat styles generously offered to my readers for their gourmet gropes and nibbling pleasures, I’m happy to say. The only caveat is that the winner must be in the US – I apologize to my delightful Canadian readers, but the cost of shipping to ya’ll is higher than the cost of the product, sadly.
If you’d like to enter, please leave a comment below with the style you’re interested in. Five winners will be randomly drawn on TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 9th.
If you’d like a chocolate party hat now, they have also set up a coupon code for 25% off for you guys! Just enter “ThatToyChick” at checkout to receive your discount.
If there’s anything that has been repeated, over and over, by just about every person of consequence I’ve chatted with since I became a Toychick, it’s this: Lube is good, healthy, and compatible with all types of sex play.
Speaking as a gal that, by weight, has more lubricants than sex toys in her personal collection (note: I’m not counting my office/desk, because I think I have to measure THAT in tons) I can safely say I agree. Lubricant makes toys more enjoyable, mitigates discomfort that might pop up because of dryness or friction, and damn if it’s not just a whole bunch of fun to boot. I use it alone, with my partner, for handjobs, regular sex, anal sex, and I’ve even been known, in a pinch, to extol the virtues of silicone lube for squeaky door hinges or bad hair days.
Of the brands out there, among the most well known to the general population is WET brand lubes. The ubiquitous purple splash logo has meandered into the stock of almost every sex store, and even to “vanilla” venues like CVS drugstores and Walmart stores nationwide. I was thrilled the first time I witnessed this expansion – it meant that a whole new generation would get a little support in thinking of sex as something fun, healthy, and *gasp* normal!
No longer are the only lube choices relegated to medicinally-white tubes faithfully stocked beside products like suppositories. Consumers today are greeted with a colorful row of WET products, ranging from flavored to tingling to silicone, thoughtfully offered right beside the condoms for safe and enjoyable sex. I’m very happy about it, because they seem to have opened the market up for other ’sexual’ items in these same stores, from overt finger vibrators to the sly movement of certain “massagers” into the family planning aisle.
As a company, all the dealings I’ve had with them have been wonderful – they have a great group of employees that are very knowledgeable about their products, my questions were always answered truthfully and honestly, and they are supportive of bloggers. They make “safe sex” kits, complete with lube, condoms and an STD fact sheet, that are given away freely at events and stores. They are responsible for one my fave pieces of AVN swag – a “trade show survival kit” with asprin, bandaids, a safety pin, and a whole bunch of other stuff that seriously saved the day throughout my insane weekends in Vegas with Vera from FYN. And, certainly not least of all, they are kind enough to let me try out their stuff!
Expanding on that same notion of sexy, slippery satisfaction for all, WET has also been rolling out nifty dual sets of lubes* for their 20th anniversary. The two sets feature enhancer gels and compatible co-lubricants, intended to be enjoyed by both partners at once, in addition to their familiar favorites. Their lubes, including the new dual sets, are always latex-friendly, with the exception of their single WET oil-based lube.
The Wet Together Lubricant pack has two 2 oz bottles of lube – a warming water-based one and a cooling silicone-based one; they meant to be applied to one another and…um..combined. I’ll let you imagine how!
The Wet Together Pleasure Enhancing Gels are two .50 oz tubes of concentrated arousal gels – one is intended to increase sensations in the penis, the other is intended to increase sensations in the clitoris.
Wet Flavored Gel is a water-based thicker-consistency lube that can be used for any sex play, as it is sugar-free.
Wet Platinum is a silicone-based thin-consistency lube that can be used for almost anything, but shouldn’t be used with silicone toys.
Do these sound good? Awesome, cause I have some sample packs to give away! (I specifically asked for sample packs to give away to my readers so I could let as many people as possible try these awesome products instead of just one person getting a bunch of bottles. ) You guys are the reason I write, and if I can help you have better sex by proxy, you’re damn sure gonna have it!
(Don’t want to wait for the winners to be picked? Snag yourself a $1 coupon here and go grab your fave in your local store!)
Leave a comment to enter, I’ll be picking TEN winners in a few days. Winners will receive these sample packs:
*While I can understand the “his and her” thing may be trying to my GLBT readers, I can assure that WET has never seemed anything less than supportive of the community through my talks and dealings with them. Unfortunately, when you are catering to a larger nationwide store chain, they are already reluctant to carry sex products, and pushing that heteronormative line from the get-go will often take you clear out of the running. I can’t speak for WET, but I imagine that was likely one of the reasons for the naming of these products as they are.
Edit, 2/3/09 – The kind folks at Trigg Labs/WET sent along an email to let me know they are very much behind the GLBT community! On top of donating safe sex kits to AIDS prevention/awareness groups every month and sponsoring events like the Winter Party, Gay Days Orlando, and the White party, they also support these events and groups:
It was about two or three years ago that I noticed soy wax massage candles starting to migrate from “hippychick” earthy brands into the higher end luxury sections of the adult market. The vast majority, up until that point, had been offered in round tins with stick-on labels; while they did the trick, they didn’t exactly scream romantic or sensual. And so it was with eyebrow-raised interest that I watched Jimmyjane drop their offering into the tin-suited mass, where it landed with a decidedly impressive effect.
Let it be noted for the record I have a terrible marketing crush on jimmyjane -- one need only glance at their site and their offerings a moment to understand why. Beautiful pictures, copy you can pluck and savor like little literary bon bons -- these people have their proverbial shit together and I admire that. I was, however, probably the only person on earth that didn’t “get” the little chroma and had no real desire for it when it debuted and people were in an Eleven-like craze over it, which is why I gravitated towards their later-emerging outre -- candles and massage.
When I jotted off a note to Jimmyjane asking if they offered products to review, I was surprised and delighted to receive an email back -- yes, they did -- and they wanted me to field test the dynamic duo of an Afterglow candle and the Contour Q massage stones. I count myself doubly lucky here, because the Milk Chocolate was their newest scent and allowed me to experiment with a fragrance I hadn’t before, and there are -- as I found out -- TWO little stones in the Contour Q set…and isn’t that just grand?
On eagerly opening the Afterglow box (narrowly restraining myself from ripping it open, for purposes of filming later) I peeled back the lid and sniffed tenatively. Now, all the chocolate products I’d experienced prior smelled like stuffing a particularly chemical-laden spoonful of hershey’s syrup up a nostril, with a not-so-subtle after effect of something decidedly unchocolate, almost acidic. Not so with this one -- Jimmyjane’s Milk Chocolate immediately brought to mind the tin of Ghiardelli “Drinking Cocoa” I keep stashed in the back of the cupboard for a couple of perilous days every month. It’s the smell of a deep, rich bittersweet cocoa that is more at home in tea salons than coffeehouses. The ingredients also featured a few different incarnations of vanilla extract that I’m familiar with, so that may have had a hand in the complexity. It is not, as is important with every scented product that I permanently add to the collection, cloying, syrupy, or “fake” -- I used this with my notoriously scent-averse partner for an hour with not a hint of a sniffle.
We lighted the candle with the enclosed box of matches and waited for about fifteen minutes, tugging off our shirts and snuggling into bed. When a little bit of a pool had formed (I should mention here that Jimmyjane says to wait a half hour, but I’m an impatient wretch) I took up the cute little body brush and gingerly dipped it in the edge of the pool -- managing to set a strand sizzling before I belatedly realized the instructions said to blow out the candle first. (So, if you get one, listen to the book…apparently it knows what it’s talking about.) As I painted it on my partner, he relaxed and agreed it was rather awesome. A little goes a very long way…I only dipped the very, very edge of the brush in and it was enough for his entire back.
The massage “oil” of the melted soy wax stayed liquid on his skin, acting just like massage oil out of a bottle. I was able to glide it around over a large area and my hands didn’t “skip” or stop sliding because the soy oil dried up -- in fact, it stayed slick the entire massage of 20+ minutes. It smelled exactly like it had as a solid candle, and was the perfect level of “presence” on our skin, giving the whole room a very light scent of chocolate that lulled me to sleep an hour or so later. On the receiving end, the brush felt like fingertips -- so much so that I asked him to use the brush and turned around to find out that he already was! One caveat -- the brush is hard to clean…the book says to use shampoo (which I did) but it was still stiff and chocolatey scented when I came back for it later.
I had the forethought to start up my Keurig before getting down to business, drawing off a teacup worth of very hot water to mix with room temperature water I had in a bowl. I wrapped the contour Q stones in a washcloth and gradually submerged them, giving them a little buffer between their surface and the semi-hot water. (Like glass, porcelain/ceramic toys shouldn’t be exposed to rapid temperature changes for safety reasons) After I had “basted” my guy with the chocolatey goodness of Afterglow wax, I unfolded the washcloth and plucked out the ribbed massage stone, cupping it in the hollow of my hand. When I first attempted to use it, I tried to put pressure on the stone and roll it, like a ball of clay being rolled into a snake. When oil is present though, it seems like the surface of the skin is a little too slippery to use this technique, at least in my experience. However, cupping the hand above either stone and moving the whole hand seems to work wonders. This provides a “hollow” that guides the stone right where you want it to go, and allows it to roll in the direction you’re pushing. You don’t need to push down very hard with these, as the texture seems to do most of the work for you -- it let me give my partner a deeper massage without feeling worn out.
When I sat cross-legged along his side (he was on his stomach), I rolled one stone in each hand from side to side on his back. Eventually, I figured out if I pushed out farther than the width of his back and let the stones roll back under my palms, I could actually massage my “computer wrists” and his back at the same time! Needless to say, this scored pretty high in my book for awesome. The rounded nubs on either side were great for getting out the kinks in his shoulders, as the round mid-body was comfy to grip to do so. The stones hold heat very well, and the heat combined with the textures added a whole new dimension to something we do very frequently. I know they might not look very substantial, but I promise you’ll be surprised. They can also be combined with other massage stones in Jimmyjane’s line (like so -- pictured inside a Contour M massage stone) for extra fun.
It’s been awhile since I’ve done one of these, but there are a few WTF-worthy inventions that alert readers have pointed me to. Apparently, there is a market for festooning one’s favorite (or personal) wang with all manner of attachments that either ensure the testicles don’t get dribbled on (the horror) or, much like truck nuts, announce one’s dubious taste in self-expression in a…unique…fashion. Need a scented cock-mounted napkin that “masks body odor” after or during oral sex? We’ve got that covered too. Are your labia faded from years of wear? No worries – we’ll get that georgia o’ keefe back to a matte finish caribbean salmon in no time, courtesy of an unidentified powder that has been on TV and a website told me is totally safe! (Update 1/21/10 – the very brave gal behind iasshole.com actually tried the labia dye, with dubious “results” )
With sex toys capable of doing everything but making you breakfast the morning after, the cynic in me privately muses that we may be rushing headlong into a plateau of vibrator design. We have the rabbit, we have the triple stimulation vibrator (rabbit with an anal tickler/probe), we have remote controlled panties and even vibrators that spring to life when people talk to us. We have vibrators made of ice and vibrators that heat up on their own. Vibrators with bling and vibrators that can be operated over the internet. What, I wonder, is next? Haven’t they exhausted possibilities by now?
Nope.
Realizing that in a financial downturn sex toys are something of a luxury, “upgrades” and accessories are slowly starting to eke their way into the market. When I first started in the industry, vibrators with accessories were offered in packs. One central vibrator, and a series of what were often extremely similar, poorly designed, or overly ambitious textured sleeves or caps were packed in a neat little bundle for the variety-hungry consumer. Technically, yes, these were accessories – but more often than not they were not made to the same standards of the vibe itself and frequently broke, wouldn’t fit on smoothly, or simply got lost. Companies brainstormed for new ways to convince users to buy toys, partnering with lube companies for in-box samples, trying designs that anticipated compartmentalized upgrades, and other techniques that have been fascinating to watch. I’ve detailed the few I’ve noticed below – know of any other interesting ones? Feel free to leave a comment!
Cap It
And so it was with delight that I discovered the wildly popular silicone hitachi attachments – the Gee Whiz , Gee Whizzard , and Off With Your Head from Vixen Creations, the Mystic from Tantus, The Gee Spot and Pleasure Dome from Downunder out of Australia, and the (now sadly discontinued) Tripod and Gpod from Nexus in the UK. A rubber double prong version appeared from Sinclair Institute as well, dubbed the G Plus. After I found these, I was also made aware of a blue latex pair of caps and a series of jelly ones that had been around quite awhile as well. It’s very possible the ubiquitous popularity of the Hitachi was the main reason these accessories followed this path first – it was a larger, more expensive vibrator, and one that would last through the burnouts, mechanical failures, and battery-killing habits of its unplugged brethren. It made sense for a Hitachi owner to “invest” in upgrades. A similar trek was taken by Topco Sales, makers of Adam & Eve’s popular Magic Massager – a toy similar to the Hitachi, ripe for the accessories craze. Designed with a slightly smaller head than the Hitachi, the Magic Massager couldn’t really swap accessories with Hitachi, ensuring that Magic Massager lovers would only reach for compatible – and Topco manufactured – sleeves.
Clean It
The next upgrades I noticed were when toy cleaners moved out of a shampoo-like bottle, intended to be applied while you were washing your toys at the sink, into an air-drying or quick-wipe formula in a spritz-on bottle. These moved quickly through the ranks, with the big manufacturers elbowing and vying for placement of their own particular blend of soap water in a bottle on store shelves. Swiss Navy debuted their (now apparently discontinued) germ-killing wipes, which vaguely claimed to kill the HIV virus on contact but strongly advised not to use as a protection against said virus. (A personal favorite of mine are Afterglow Toy Tissues, which contain essence of bergamot, have a lovely soft texture, and are available in both multipacks and singles. )
Store It
The problem of storing toys also began to open a corner of the market that hadn’t been touched upon before – people were tired of shoeboxes and boxes that roommates, children, and other invasions of privacy were not deterred by. For Your Nymphomation swooped in to the rescue, offering stylish – and most importantly, locking – options for stashing vibes. The demand grew so sharply, the small array FYN began with quickly grew into the (now legendary amongst industry toy addicts) rolling toy trunk, a behemoth that could fit almost any toy collection in its custom-designed pages and moveable pockets. Other storage options from companies like Liberator, Tunti, and Devine Toys began expanding the niche even more. Toy manufacturers started to sit up and take notice, incorporating packaging that doubled as storage, like the lined tin cases of the Evolved Novelties line.
Cover It
When the phthalate uproar hit the industry publications, savvy sex toy shop sellers began explaining that regular condoms could be used to help reduce exposure to phthalates, enabling people to continue enjoying their favorite jelly toys. California Exotics took notice, tossing their upgrade hat into the ring with Toy Covers – a non lubricated, unshaped condom specifically made for toys and available in two sizes. At the time of this post, I know of no similar products on the market.
Pocket It
Pockets for vibes began to find themselves a lot of new places – from pillows, to accessories to turn your lover’s abs into a frottage fantasyland, to sewn in tubes on the wearer’s side that at this point are all but standard in harnesses. Mini bullets can slip into almost anything these days, and manufacturers are planning for their presence with such frequency, that it will probably only be a matter of time before they pair up with nearly everything. Don’t believe me? Consider this – the iconic Fleshlight just rolled out a new line of their namesakes – they not only come with one bullet vibe, but three, and spare batteries besides. Speaking of fleshlights, now there is furniture that holds your fleshlight, which in turn holds your bullet vibe, with an optional “saddle” accessory that holds your lube close at hand. It’s like a sexier version of a turducken, though I guess one could still claim it was stuffed with meat.
Improve It
Joining facebook in a professional capacity has revealed a treasure trove of unusual sex toy offerings, not the least of which is the Vibokit – an innovative idea that apparently allows a user to turn a regular vibrator into a suction-cupped, clitoral-vibrating, G-spot rubbing supertoy. Though I am dubious about the effectiveness of the G-spot “ring” given its position on the shaft and my rudimentary knowledge of location (oh, wait – I forgot, it doesn’t exist), I am somewhat impressed with the idea of turning my favorite sidekick into an erotic transformer. Though the same aforementioned savvy sex toy shop sellers had also been touting the benefits of making a ghetto rabbit out of a straight vibe and a vibrating cock ring, this looks considerably more likely to stay in place, and thus be more fun to use.
When given the choice of entertainment between an amateur community production and a Broadway show stopper, most people would opt for the higher production values, friends in the cast notwithstanding. Perhaps it is because I am nitpicky, but the other day I saw a screenshot of Lesbian Hospital 2 (in the pages of a delightfully talented fellow sex blog, Champagne and Benzedrine) and a crinkled my nose. Beautiful ladies having hot sex? Of course. Wanton expressions? Check. Wait…is that a…convention name badge? Like, plastic sleeve and safety pin bought-at-Staples style? Why not just slap a “Hello My Name Is:” on her tit and call it a day?
If a girl is half falling out of her clothes in the film to begin with, I see no reason for costumes and elaborate (for porn) plotlines. It’s not believeable to me that I’m peering in on some sexy taboo breaking-of-the-line of a patient seducing a Doctor – or vice versa – if the doctor is sporting a convention nametag. This was Lesbian Hospital 2, right? Go out on a limb and spring for the ten bucks worth of embroidery and scotch guard for the lab coat, cause I’m willing to bet there will be a 3 at some point. I grant, in full disclosure, this is very likely a fine film (Girlfriends as a company has never been spoken to me with anything but praise) and I’m basing this off of some screenshots, but it’s more an echo of a long-running gripe than these few pictures spurring a new one.
I met a man on the train once and had an intriguing conversation about his job – he makes the “fake/real” products you see in shows like CSI on the living room shelves, or sitcoms where the actor is pouring a generic bowl of “not cheerios”. This enables a more realistic feel to the show without paying a billion dollars in royalties to a billion different companies that are shown for a fraction of a second. (Think it’s a coincidence there are giant billboards in Times Square? They’re as much for the potential of getting snapped in a wide-view royalty-free “public” shoot of a TV show as the passerby’s attention) So, the little hamster in my head started racing uselessly around the wheel and I wondered why the Adult industry doesn’t have one of these fellas. Or several, really.
Is there someone that does this? Do YOU do this? I would like to hear from you because I’m quite interested in how the process works.
I chose the winners randomly based on their harness size, and am pleased to announce that Suzanne and Hkara are the two lucky winners! Clap clap clap!
If you didn’t win this time, don’t fret for too long… I have a new giveaway that will be starting on Hey Epiphora tonight/tomorrow. Would you like a hint?
So, those that may read and have NOT caught my sporadic updates on twitter from the hospital, my retina decided to take an unplanned vacation from it’s proper place at the back of my eye. Turns out, ignoring a small black spot in your peripheral vision over a couple of days as “probably nothing”? Yeah, not such a hot idea. Don’t do it.
Long story short, the Toychick was forced to endure such patently unsexy things as having gas injected into her eye to save her vision, which didn’t work, which then prompted a visit to the Wills Eye Center in Philly…a lovely city to visit if you aren’t hospitalized, I assure you. She was then forced to endure yet even more unsexiness as her eye was apparently partially vaccumed from the socket and outfitted with a jaunty silicone band behind it, which will hold her now-cryogenically zapped-up retinal scars in place for the rest of her life. Thankfully, I was, as today’s kids say, “knocked the fuck out” for the procedure.
To summarize:
I am now PART SILICONE. This gives me +10 knowledge of dildos.
I spent the first day of 2010 getting partially cryogenically frozen. Suck it, Han Solo.
I have to keep my head tilted to the left for a week cause there’s a lava-lamp lookin air bubble keeping things kosher in there on that side. This has the added effect of making me look permanently interested in everything people around me are saying.
I have to wear a big old eyepatch, and it’s all I can do not to break into a bad soviet accent or procure a stuffed parrot to complete the look.
My right eye should be fine, I’ll know for 100% certain next Friday.
Epiphora has graciously taken over the reins for the Winter Hotness giveaway, so look to her blog for updates on that front with the winners and all. Entries are now closed, natch, so if you weren’t in there already, I’m afraid you’ll have to wait for another fun contest in the future.
Chilldils are still being worked on, this eye thing just threw an ugly little wrench in my timeline, but updates will be posted soon, promise!
Pleasurists is a round-up of the adult product and sex toy reviews that came out in the last seven days. For updates and information follow our RSS Feed and Twitter.
Hey, y’all — 
