I used to be like clockwork – every 26-28 days I would have mind-numbing cramps that would make me want to crawl under something and die. Motrin, copious naps, and heatpacks kept me semi-living for two days, during which I’d get a “free” day with no flow, then 3-4 more days, and tah dah – I was done for the month and the only blood I had left stayed in my veins, where it belonged.
It started getting screwy after a major accident last year, causing me to skip a good six months and leave me still not-quite-right in timing after that. I came to realize that, despite the pain, it was something that reminded me of being a woman. I missed the ritual, which I had come to regard as something almost sacred – buy pads/tampons/heatpacks/motrin every month…this was my own little stash of things, just for me in the house I share with my hubby-to-be. I came to desolately wander down the “feminine products” aisle while my ‘friend’ had gone missing those long months, wishing it would return and remind me that I was fertile*.
During the hiatus, I came to notice two things clearly that had escaped my notice before:
1.) Women, just for being women with normal reproductive cycles, have to almost pay a tax for the privledge of pain and profuse bleeding every month. This really doesn’t seem fair at all, given as we’re the ones mucking about with the little ones on board when and if we do choose to procreate. I had more money in my pockets those six months, the consequence of not having to buy 1 to 2 boxes of tampons, a bottle of menstrual-targeted pain killers, as well as thin stick-on heat packs and slender pads that allowed me to wander about without looking like I was smuggling badgers in my jeans or suffering from crotchal-area stigmata.
2.) The supermarket knows more about my cycle than I do. This creeps me out. I’d be strolling along, shopping for produce and canned goods, and at checkout these automated coupons would spit out for things like tampax and always brand pads…and nothing in my cart was remotely linked to either of them.
How do they know? Did they track my cycle back when I was “regular” before the crash? “Hey, she’s buying tampons on the 22nd again, must have her period.” What about the months where I bought my supplies from CVS or Walgreens? Did Shoprite notice I was buying chocolate and pickles in craving-induced shopping trips, thus reinforcing their timetable?
What I find even more disturbing than this is the fact the coupon machine has started supplying me with coupons for huggies and baby food when all I ever buy is normal 20-something dinner fare. This lends itself to the highly unsettling possibility that Shoprite realized I wasn’t getting my period for six months and thus must be pregnant. Can you imagine if they had this level of A.I. for coupon machines? I’m getting a little creeped out just thinking about it. 1984, courtesy of your friendly local supermarket.
*Don’t want kids? Awesome. I do. So kindly spare me the OMFGIdontwantkidsyoubabycrazypsycho bit. I support your decision, but this is a story about me. I’m not trying to undermine your choices at all.
fuck! imagine if we guys bled out of our wee wees every month. i bet there would be little tourniquets available in the market in case evolution ever takes us to that point.
Man, that grocery thing is creepy! I think it’s through club cards that they track purchases.
Also 2 things that might help
1 will help your budget. Have you tried any reusables? I’ve made cloth pads (it’s pretty easy) and bought some and they are soooooo much comfier than plastic pads, and they last longer than panties so they are really easy on the wallet. You can also get divacups or other reausable menstrual cups that are pretty rockin’.
2 might help the pain.
Basically, uterine prostaglandins are to blame for all of our monthly pain troubles. The good news is that ibuprofen is rather good at blocking them if you start taking it before your period. (just plain ibuprofen, no caffeine which can actually make things worse). It works by blocking the prostaglandins so that the uterus does not cramp as hard.
Pressing on a particular nerve can also help with persistent cramps. Lie on your stomach on the floor/bed whatever and have your partner use the heel of the hand or foot pushing downward just above your pelvis on either side of the spine. You’ll feel it when they hit it. You can also lie face up on two tennis balls tied up in a sock if you don’t have someone handy to rub your back.
Whew, that was longer than intended, but I love sharing these things that other women shared with me. Some of ‘em really helped and I hope they might be useful to you as well.