So on vacation, I had determined that I was going to get laid before I went home. Preferably with some stranger that I’d never see again. So, my friends and I end up at an after party at this boys house. Me and boy almost immediately head off to the back room, where the inflatable bed stayed.

We start making out on the bed, but we keep floating around, so me staying on top wasn’t working. But it gave me a lot of extra oomph when I’d bounce! So he flipped me onto the bed, which then made a loud farting noise and I had to defend myself saying it wasn’t me! In between positions I kept falling off the side of the bed (well, because air mattress aren’t always inflated properly) and he’d keep pulling me back onto the mattress. After the third or fourth time he apparently didn’t know his own strength, pulled me back onto the bed by my ankle (oh, yes, very hot) and I flew onto the bed (even hotter). And then immediately bounced right back off onto the floor on the other side of the bed! (not so hot) We couldn’t keep from laughing at this point and just continued fucking on the floor.

From which I got rug burn.

This one time, we were walking into a hotel in a larger city up north. It was a big conference hotel, and just happened to be holding some convention chock full of little old ladies. I had the luggage, but D had our bag of sex toys complete with our three foot long bright purple double dong. I guess he didn’t realize that it was so long that it had managed to work its way out of the zipper, so he walked into the lobby with it hanging out of the bag.
Watching one little old lady after another stare after us with her eyes popping out of her head, I finally figured out what had happened, but the bag was so full that it wouldn’t go back in. So D was just like, meh, fuck it, and walked on as proud as can be with that long-ass dong sticking out!
I thought I was going to die – from laughter or embarrassment, one or the other!

And then promptly fell her drunk ass off the bed, colliding with the edge of her dresser on the way down and gashing her foot.

When she woke up the next morning, she was CONVINCED I had pushed her, and it took most of the day for her to remember trying to victory dance on the bed and knocking herself down.

PS: It would probably be put to good use, but I can’t promise there’ll be photos to share.

Okay so: funny sex story.

It’s happened twice, actually, with two different girls: I somehow get my wires crossed, and out of my mouth comes “sock” instead of “cock.”

So: once upon a time, walking her home from a date, the subject shifted to me packing, and I started teasing her – I said: “You didn’t want to talk identity politics and buddhist philosophy and BDSM theory? I knew it, you’re just using me for my socks.”

Her: “…”

Me: “I mean sex. Cocks! Fuck.”

She laughed and threatened to tell the internet how suave I *really* am. (Luckily, that was kept under wraps.) But that didn’t stop her from making jokes about my socks for aaaaaall the rest of our relationship

ps, I promise to share the photos.

Yeah.

Whew.